Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
