I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
