Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
