so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
