I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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