She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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