Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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