Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Someone shit on the floor
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
