I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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