I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
