we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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