I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
