I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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