you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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