Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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