Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
