and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
