I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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