ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
