my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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