The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
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I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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