Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
