i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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