I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just blew my weed a kiss
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
