just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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