he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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