It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
