I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
