Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
