I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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