I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
