I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
