I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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