what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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