And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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