i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
