HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
