Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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