Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
