Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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