First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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