my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
