honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
my being single is dangerous.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
