Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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