if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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