I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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