I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
