you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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