you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
