I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
