The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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