I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Terrible idea I love it
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
