well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
