I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
